I figured it out. It hit me yesterday. When my father died, I quit journaling. I didn't want to write it down, or express my thoughts about it. Too difficult. Time slipped away and it was years before I started jounaling, now known as blogging, again.
So every day for the last week I've logged into my blog, but refused to write. Then the Aha! moment hit me. My first born has left home and I really don't want to talk about it. Too difficult. I realize a bird has left the nest and others will soon follow. I realize I'm getting older. I realize bigger moments like missions and weddings are literally right around the corner, and I just don't want to talk about it.
I've been a mother for 18 years. I've been married for 20. I'm constantly negotiating myself out of difficult situations in order to save myself from collateral damage. I'm the one who will suffer the most if I don't negotiate carefully. The trick, I've learned over the past 18 years, is in the give and take. Mostly in your willingness to surrender more give and take less.